What’s a couple to do when one partner is considering divorce while the other wants to work on the relationship? Most would consider couples therapy in hopes of saving the marriage. But for mixed-agenda couples, therapy will be a half-hearted attempt that will most likely be a waste of time and money for both partners with very little possibility for success. So, for couples struggling with different agendas, discernment counseling can be beneficial in helping make a decision best for both partners involved.
So, what is Discernment Counseling?
It is not couples therapy. It is a short-term (1-5 sessions) counseling protocol to guide each partner in making a decision about the future of their relationship with both confidence and clarity (Steven M. Harris, Ph.D., LMFT; The Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project, April 2021). The couple
will work with a discernment counselor to gain greater understanding of what has happened in
the marriage and each partner’s role in the problems. The majority of each session will be individual work with the couple coming together at times to share with one another what they are
learning and confirm their current stance in the decision-making process.
Discernment counseling is usually done with both partners involved, but it can also work individually for the partner who is unsure which path to take. The counselor will help explore the options of continuing on with the relationship as is, divorce/separation, or couples therapy which
would include about 6 months with full effort from both partners to rebuild the marriage.
You are not alone.
“Ambivalence is part and parcel of being in a long-term relationship. How we handle that ambivalence is what matters.” Steven M. Harris, Ph.D., LMFT, Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project
Through Dr. Harris’s work with couples, he has come to realize that all individuals are living within a state of fluctuating uncertainty in their marriage that depends on how well the relationship is going at any given time. If you are someone in a marriage that is on the brink of divorce, or simply feeling unsure the relationship is able to improve, discernment counseling offers both partners the opportunity to see the relationship more clearly.
This project of working with couples through discernment counseling at the University of Minnesota reviewed the first 100 cases and found that 47 of those couples decided to reconcile and work toward bettering the marriage. 41 of those 100 chose the path toward divorce and 12 wanted to continue on how the relationship currently functioned. Two years later 38 % of the couples were still married after choosing treatment with a couples therapist. Maybe there is more hope than to divorce or stay in an unhappy marriage.
The links below can provide you more information about if discernment counseling is right for
you. Or you can contact Counseling at The Green House to get connected for help.
www.mncouplesonthebrink.org
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